I wrote these words years ago during a meditation class. While they were written boldly in my notes with stars, underlines and circles highlighting their importance, I've rarely revistedy them in the ears since they first made an appearance on the page.
Harsh. Aren’t they? Why would we choose to do this to ourselves? To choose to inflict violence on yourself in a way that you would never wish on anyone?
The truth is that we all want to be happy. We don’t want to suffer. Maybe it’s human nature. Some would say it’s how we get ahead.
Ultimately, we all want to be happy.
Here are a few things you can do to alleviate the suffering, even just slightly.
You are not your thoughts.
While it’s not always easy to stop the thought train in mid-sentence, there are ways to distance yourself from their power by simply substituting a few key words.
I hear people say it all the time - it’s just the way I am and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I am depressed. I am anxious. I am unlucky in life. I am...fill in the blank. By telling yourself (and others) that you are a certain label of negativity that you’ve given to yourself, it’s extremely difficult to get out of that.
While it’s certainly true that these feelings and emotions exist, it doesn’t actually define you. Try saying I am having feelings of sadness, anxiety, unluckiness, etc. By changing it from ownership to simply feeling something, you now have the power and control to do something constructive with them. They won’t stay around forever.
Negative thoughts aren't the only challenge. We can also suffer by attaching to positive thoughts. Thoughts about appearance, a successful career, good relationships, a peaceful mental state. You think ‘I’ve got this. I am truly living the dream.’ But inevitably, that too will change and suffering will prevail because you’ve attached to a ideal that can not sustain itself. You will get older, your job will likely change, people come and go and peace is not always possible.
It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have positive thoughts, just don’t take them to be who you are. You are not your appearance. You are not your relationships. You are not your job.
Find opportunities to practice gratitude
Gratitude practice, even if it’s simply naming off one thing you appreciate about your day before going to sleep at night, is a sure way to lower your suffering. When you are being truly thankful, you're not suffering.
Try picking the same time each day where you list off three things you are grateful for. You can say it to yourself, out loud to others or write it down. Maybe it’s at the dinner table. Maybe it’s to yourself while brushing your teeth. There are even apps that help you record your gratitudes and give you a reminder to do so.
Try not to pick the same gratitudes. Look for things to be thankful for that might be a little less obvious - hot water on demand, taking a walk in your neighborhood without fear/hesitation, how the angle of the sun changes throughout the year shedding light on different parts of your surroundings.
Let go of your past.
We suffer because we try to repeat or avoid it. Maybe this means you’ve got to get on board the Marie Kondo bandwagon and let go of things that no longer bring you joy. Maybe it means setting achievable future goals.
I personally struggle with this. I’m a past dweller. I sometimes like to sit there, for a really long time. I yearn for it as I think about the happiness I thought I had while at the same time being aware that memories tend to be fabricated to create a sense of ‘that was most definitely the best time in my life and I’ll never be able to repeat it’ kind of joy.
External phenomena (people, things, places, etc) are NOT responsible for your suffering.
Enough said. Stop giving away your control. Nothing is fixed. Things, possessions, appearance, the people you know are not that cause of suffering.
We live in our own private hell (of our own making). Anne Frank
This moment could not be any different than it is in this moment. This does not mean that you necessarily endorse it - in the event of violence and pain being inflicted on others - it just means that you accept the moment for what it is.