Let’s just get this out of the way: there is no magical age where everything clicks and you suddenly wake up feeling like Beyoncé in a power suit. If you’ve ever thought, “I should have this figured out by now,” or “It’s too late for me to change how I feel about myself,” I can relate because I’ve been there. Arguably, I’m still there. So pause, take a breath, and know this: you are not behind. You are not alone. You are right on time for whatever your life looks like at this moment.
Self-esteem isn’t something you missed the boat on. It’s more like a garden than a trophy you earn at one single point in your life and throw on the shelf for it to be dusted every so often. A garden needs care, patience, and lots of sunlight. And the good news? It doesn’t matter how long it’s been neglected. You can start growing it today…even if your confidence feels like it’s trying to put down roots in rocky soil, even if your past (the one your mind likes to cling to) has tried to convince you otherwise. It’s never too late to begin.
There’s this unspoken pressure that self-worth should have developed naturally at some point in childhood. And for the few who didn’t hit that deadline, certainly by our twenties along with a retirement plan and a fondness for quinoa. But real life? It doesn’t always work that way. I thoroughly enjoyed my twenties but did nothing to establish a firm confidence in myself. Fast forward to my forties and finally starting the process of digging in deep.
Some of us have been unlearning harmful messages for decades. Others are just starting to hear their own inner voice for the first time. Everyone’s self-esteem journey looks different, which is perfectly okay. You’re not late, you’re just taking the scenic route. You have to start somewhere. The point being you actually start.
If you’re waiting until you feel confident to start treating yourself with kindness, you’ll be waiting a long time (like 'trying to get a reservation at the 20-seat restaurant Damon Baehrel that is working through a 10-year waitlist' long. No joke, look it up!). The trick is to start from where you are - messy, unsure, and sweatpant loving.
Start small. Drink a glass of water like someone who deserves hydration. Set a boundary like someone who values their time. Take a break from social media if makes you feel like your life is stuck in “before” photos. These aren’t grand gestures, but they’re powerful. Self-worth is built in these little moments when you show up for yourself.
You don’t have to feel worthy to act like it. Just like brushing your teeth on your most tired days or when you don’t plan on leaving the house, the habit still counts.
Let’s talk about the guilt that shows up when we try to prioritize ourselves. You know the voice: “But I should be helping… I should be doing more… I can rest when I’m dead.” Maybe you haven’t said the last one out loud, but I bet you’ve thought it! First of all, you’re not an electronic device on low battery mode trying to make it to the end of the day. You’re a human. A brilliant, complicated, tired human.
Putting yourself first isn’t selfish, it’s how you stay alive. You can’t earn rest nor do you have to. And you certainly don’t need a crisis to justify taking care of your body, mind, or peace. It’s okay to say “no” without excuses, reasons or a 700-word apology. Boundaries aren’t walls but are doors that open when you say so.
Maybe you were raised to believe you had to earn your worth or have been carrying someone else’s voice in your head for far too long. Maybe you were raised being told certain things you didn’t realize until much later were not true. Certain things you internalized, took to heart and played out in a role you didn’t think up but continued to cultivate over time. Regardless of the past - decades in the past or the things you thought about yourself 3 minutes ago, you get to decide what’s true about you now.
Self-esteem isn’t about pretending you’re perfect, it’s about being on your own team, even as you’re still learning. It’s looking at your reflection and saying, “Hey, I’ve been through some stuff… and I’m still here. Still showing up. Still growing.”
Progress isn’t always being shouted from the top of a mountain. Sometimes it’s small and quiet. Sometimes it’s choosing compassion over criticism. Sometimes it’s just not giving up.
If you’ve been waiting for the “right time” to start feeling better about yourself, this is it. Not next Monday. Not when you lose some weight, get yourself on a budget or meet someone worth spending time with. Not when your past finally makes sense and you’ve made amends with it. Now.
You’re not too late. You’re not too old. You’re not too far gone. You’re just a beautifully imperfect person figuring out who you want to be. Which is courageous and brave.
So, start where you are with the shaky voice, the cluttered thoughts, the hopeful heart. Self-esteem has no expiration date. It only asks that you show up.